Gender & Identity Lab

Ooops, I have not written for so long and my apologies.  Many stories are waiting to be told and muh sharing is waiting at the doorstep.  I have been busy with very little breaks in between to give the right amount of focus and attention to the blog.  My apologies :-(
But I do want to share with you an interesting program that I and some of my colleagues will be facilitating in Bangalore next month.  It is called Gender and Identity.  The idea is to explore how we are influenced by our ideas of who we are and a very significant portion of "who am I" is coded in  our ideas of the kind of Man or Woman that we believe we are or we wish to be.
I am giving below an excerpt from the brochure to give you some details of what will be explored in this program.  Do write to me if you are interested to attend or simply with your comments about what do you think about the idea.

The Program

What does being a man or woman mean to us?

The meanings that we give to being a man or a woman are extremely significant in how we look at ourselves, and how we perceive and relate with others in the world.

Traditionally, the meanings given to gender were predominantly defined by the social roles associated with them. However, advancements in technology have influenced the social fabric in such a way that it has considerably reduced the need for gender to be a significant determinant of these roles. The polarities here are traditional values and socio-technical parameters.

In other words, our social identity is becoming increasingly gender neutral. This brings in a welcome relief from the traditional stereotypes of gender roles. It is therefore not surprising that many people today feel more comfortable being a ‘person’ rather than being a ‘man’ or a ‘woman’. However, since this transition is not seamless, people also find themselves struggling with values that have been inherited and new ones that are being created in the changing world around them.

This creates considerable confusion in our personal, work and community spaces about a very basic question:

What does being a “man” or a “woman” really mean to us and it’s impact on our role taking processes?

This question is especially relevant when we hold gender stereotypes within and yet function from a platform of gender neutrality, which seems to have become the new norm.

The answers perhaps lie in looking at how we derive the meanings we give to our gender.

The Concept feminine and masculine

In our understanding this meaning making is derived from three significant sources: -

a) our personal history, particularly in respect to our encounters with significant others, i.e. family members, close relationships both in personal as well as work/secondary spaces;

b) our socio-cultural symbols associated with masculinity and femininity through direct experience and through the world of myths, folktales and folklore, language, history, media, politics and literature; and

c) our bio existential associations with our gender.

In our opinion, femininity and masculinity are abstract concepts, not the qualities, traits or energies of biological men and women. The principles of femininity and masculinity are configured in our psyche through various symbols and are held uniquely by each of us. These symbols, through their unique configuration in each individual offer their share of myths, perceptions, dilemmas and confusions. These, then, shape our day-to-day role taking processes in our personal and work spaces.

In this context, this program will provide the participants an opportunity to explore:

• The individualized, unique meanings of our gender roles and images of our selves and our bodies.

• The ways in which we relate to significant others in our relationships; the meanings and rules we develop around these relationships – in personal and in workspaces.

• Our internal values frames about morality, sexuality, intimacy, etc

• Residues of aggression, guilt, joy, shame, etc and their impact on codes of expression,

evocation and inhibition.

• And, the opportunity of creating a new perspective and a new anchorage in our gendered identity. This then may lead to new frames about the human context in personal as well as work/group/community spaces.

For Whom

This program is meant for people interested in exploring these issues; and may be particularly relevant for men and women who are working as Change Agents, Institution Builders and Leaders in the field of Management, Art and Social Services, especially in the area of Gender Diversity.

If you wish to know more, please visit www.sumedhas.org or contact me at sarbari.gomes@gmail.com. 

Do let me know what you think of the idea.

continuity - on the move

We have been touring North India currently  and I have been fascinated by the land, the people and the culture.  More fascinated by the smaller unknown places, people and their little stories.  Presenting one such here:
On the national highway between Chandigarh and Amritsar lies this dhaba which is quite famous in its own way ... the owner proudly told us that cricketer Harbhajan Singh came in the just the other night as he had heard about the place.

We stopped to have so have some tea and breakfast on our way to Amritsar ... the dhaba is teaming with people - all men except two elderly ladies who are sitting there with their family.  As one enters the dhaba, the men unashamedly stare ... not lewdly, just plain simple staring .. no big city like codes of conduct here.  They check you out especially you happen to be a female, not attired in the traditional dress codes of the land and also don't look like them.  No other mal intention here, one just has to get used to being stared at.

The dhaba owner is in his thirties, busy receiving payments and ordering his stuff.  His 8 year old son plays around nearby. We just asked for the boy's name, and out came the story of his family, history of the dhaba, his desire for sending his sons to Australia for higher study because "wohan pe padne wala course bhi acchhe hai ji aur banda ka life bhi settle ho jata hain".  Solid and simple logic.  I wondered whether he has been reading the newspaper about all the "beat up the Indian guy" syndrome there but he seemed so happy at the prospect of sending his sons there, that I decided against it.

On one corner were these two big cauldrons which were on slow fire and were revolving making khoy or rabri (thick milk) while another chap was busy mixing up besan or ground lentils with water and other herbs.



The road in front is busy but had a soothing feel about it, tall trees with shades lined up the road like an avenue, the dhaba had a scene of happy and un hurried chattering, being together kind of feel about it. In front was the green green fields of punjab, spreading into the yonder.

The dhaba has been there for 25 years - started by the owner's father.  He seems quite content with his life and yet have dreams in his eyes for his sons.  I wondered, if I ever came back after ten years or so, who would I see at the counter? would it be one of his sons or would it change hands?


I wished his all the best and walked out .. to another city, to meet some other new people.

patriarchy,clan, people, organisations ... not in that particular order

No, this post is to not bash either patriarchy or clannish culture. I have not posted for quite a while and have been busy with my consulting work with organisations. As I was looking back at some of the experiences in the past, I was struck by certain themes that seem to be repeated in many organisations, in groups of people and in our daily lives.

theme number one is "Hierarchy" - Socialism or communism or many other isms may be spreading the word of classless system or society, the concept of hierarchy is exceptionally strong in people's mind. Many people and organisations that I come across, do dislike the idea of hierarchy when they look at the concept on paper , at least they consider it to be less desirable over other qualities. However, in their own behaviour with their own people or even among themselves, the idea of hierarchy remains very strong and it is all pervasive. It is present in the way they control information, they way they compete with each other, the way they would seek or demand services of who they believe are service providers, etc ... and the list is endless.

Hierarchy does provide us with a sense of structure and consequently the safety and security of a given structure. It also binds our freedom, movement and choice making as per the norms of the structure.

What I have been finding interesting is how people perceive hierarchy from an outside in location where most find it less desirable, and how most people are almost blind to it when it resides in their own psyche. It seems as though the safety and security of the hierarchy are internalised but the rigidity and the oppression are externalised or projected out. This way, others can always be blamed for holding us captive while we do not have to take responsibility of our own captivity simultaneously.

The second theme seems to be "benevolence": this in a way is a by product of hierarchy - benevolence can be shown in many ways. In most work systems, some of the ways benevolence is shown are by being socially polite to people, by being supportive in times of crisis, by offering facilities and social stature and by providing a patient hearing to people's complaints and grievances. Often, in many organisations and system I have experienced, these are held with high degree of positivity and pride and so they should be as these are well intended gestures and intentions. However, in many organisations and in many groups, there runs a subterranean culture which often demands in return of those above, absolute obedience and silent acceptance of lack of justice. Often people in this culture are treated like "less than" but they will rarely be dignified by stating that up front. Resultantly, people will sense the indignity but since the above ground culture is strongly protective and benevolent, they will feel confused and will have self doubt or would blame themselves for not being good enough for the system; because they believe a benevolent system can not be unjust. Hence the culture of "not being good enough" can be a strong stick to beat people with in a benevolent culture while "we will be there for you in crisis" or "we are like one big happy family" will be the carrot to keep people within the fold.

I am watching some of these processes with avid fascination as these keep people in a stronghold and consequently finding an identity for the self as also for the group becomes synonymous with betraying the system, be it family, be it work organisation and be it relationships. Finding an identity would mean that one has to simultaneously look at the self, its own need, potency, desires, sense of respect for self and at the same time has to take into account the systemic need for compliance, conformity, collaboration and respect for systemic authority. It therefore is not very easy to straddle both the horses and often many people, groups or organisations find it easier to ride one rather than holding the tensions of the opposites alive.

what are your views on hierarchy, benevolence, etc? what other processes do you see in your respective systems? I would love to hear your stories and insights.

Amazing women in my life - part 4

This story is about B .... she was born in erstwhile Bangladesh, eldest of three sisters. She grew up being educated in the village school and finished her Matriculate. The stories that I heard from her about those days, were full of her liveliness, her feeling one with nature, her writing poetries, her curiosity about people, life and the world in general. She loved teaching and did not really care about getting married.

But this was not to be ... being the eldest of three sisters and remaining unmarried and blocking the queue was not a conceivable idea for a girl some seventy five years ago. To top it, her father was not really a very efficient person who looked after the family well, hence the mother grew more and more anxious.

B was quite a plane jane to look at and she was dark. But one asset that she had was her hair, which went below her knee, long, black, thick, shiny, straight hair.

Being poor, her parents were worried about getting their daughters married off and in came a proposal from another family of the same community. The man was slightly older, very fair, could hardly speak Bengali, was a city bred and a practicing criminal lawyer. The only taint that he had was that his family had a kind of ill repute vis-a-vis marriages, etc and people were not very keen to send their daughters to this family.

However, B's parents could not say no to such a proposal as he seemed too good to be true. Besides, they had other two daughters waiting in line. Hence, to clear the line, B was married off much against her wishes and she gradually accepted her fate.

She came to Kolkata with her husband and discovered that while he earned a lot, he had almost zero savings and would spend his earnings with his friends drinking and playing cards, etc.

She decided to change the state of affairs ... it was not an easy task but she did not give up. To make matters worse, she became pregnant and slowly discovered to her horror that remaining pregnant was the order of the day as she often was forced into marital rape as per her account.

She tried to look after the children - all nine of them - as much as possible - she did not allow them to go astray, she did not leave them and went away with her mother which could have easily been done as her mother could not see her daughter's condition deteriorate any further.

Her days would pass trying to organise and keep her family together between her husband's psychological disturbances, to his erratic earnings and frequent non earning phases. She kept up feeding, clothing, educating all nine children and perhaps treated them a little too harshly lest they went astray. She succeeded, most of her children became well educated and became successful professionals in their own right.

Then slowly nature started taking its toll, gone was the free flowing, determined, life loving woman and was replaced by a angst ridden, neurotic person who lived either in the past regret or in the fear of the future. Her children for who she spent her youth, started turning away from her as they too could not deal with her anxiety, her neurosis of keeping some fights alive among her children, her paranoia about outsiders which prevented her children from brining any friends home or having any fun at home. She even prevented brothers and sisters playing with one another.

The time I got to know her, she was in her fifties, and obviously she did not take kindly to me as i was dating one of her sons and later married. My relationship with her remained tumultuous as she could never trust me with her well being, nor did she make any effort of providing me with any affection. While this made me feel angry and unhappy with her, I later realized that she did not have the wherewithal to trust anyone with her well being, not her husband, nor her children, nor her own sisters. Continuously dealing with anxiety and uncertainty had pushed her into such a corner, that coming back was very difficult.

I got to see her for about 15 years during my courtship and later days and there was these rare moments when I would get a glimpse of that teenager who loved to be one with nature, who would be curious like a child and who would want to write poems and show them around shyly and would dream about better days. Those were the days that I really loved her, though I never told her that as she would have never believed me and would have created a new drama from her paranoia.

I sometimes wondered, what would have happened had she received a different life where she could have steered the ship herself and made her life worthwhile. It was a pity to see a talented person filling her life with regrets and bitternes while there was a huge potential for her to be a great teacher, a poet and a philosopher.

B died suddenly, one afternoon in a heart attack, as though that was the last game that she played with others.

to deal with ghosts of the past!

Had a chat with a few colleagues and friends this evening.  The chat was intended towards finding an arrangement for a business proposition, but before that it was focused towards looking at the emotional tonality lying around.  What came about were the past hurts, reactivity and mistrust that were lying around, willingness to bring in some clarity about the way forward and some new resolutions.

This process evoked many things in me .... some relief, some clarity, some resolution, some understanding of where others are located in their mind, and some emotional turmoil with a certain intensity.  I chose to not engage in an emotional drama but to engage with the process of clarifying and understanding what was happening and what issue belongs to who or to what context.  I also acknowledged that while I had a greater intellectual clarity, I have to let the emotional turmoil take its time to settle down, and find a new level of balance within myself.

At the end of it all, it has left me with a sense of internal control that I may not have experienced earlier.  What threw me off balance internally were the past ghosts of perception about me by others.  These ghosts don't need too much time to jump up from their dark shadowy corners to jump at me, crowd around and fill me with their whispering bitter voices that say " see this is what others think of you ... we told you so, how dare she/he ... blah, blah, blah ...

Usually there are two unsuccessful ways I deal with these ghosts.  One is to listen to them and allow them to overpower me with bitternes, remorse, anger and reactivity; the second is to tell them to go away and then tell myself that they don't exist, but simultaneously keeping a small voice alive inside which whispers:"may be some of what these ghosts bring are true.  is it true?  can it be so?" and so on and so forth.

today I decided to do neither.  I listened to the ghosts and asked them stand aside and did not shut the door on them;  I also listened to the other voice of the critique which usually commands me to get on with life, to move on, to not make an issue out of anything; I asked it too to stand aside.  I then became my spokesperson who was compassionate to both how I was feeling emotionally and understanding and accepting what my rationality was telling me.  I also looked around - these people were my friends and colleagues - they were not my enemies - they were expressing their deep sense of anguish and hurt and disappointment and anger over something that happened to them and it involved me to an extent.  Could I understand and grace that?  Yes, I could.

Could I also grace my frazzled emotional state rather than telling it to shut up and critique it?  I did.  I felt what I was feeling, did not hide it, neither did I let it take over the entire reality and paint it only with its intense emotional tonality.

Then I spoke to my friends telling them how I understood what they had felt and went through.  At the same time, there was an intensity of feeling that I had and tht I needed time to let it take its course, take time and settle down.  That I did not intend to let the feeling dictate my action, nor did I allow my dry logical critical self override my emotional self.  I accepted and graced both and I felt good towards myself.

I am writing this post to also put this out in the open to all of you as this process helps me to reach out to others without filtering or without shame.  

I would love to hear about your experience; do you encounter old ghosts?  What do they tell you?  What is your relationship with them?

How do you deal with them?