patriarchy,clan, people, organisations ... not in that particular order

No, this post is to not bash either patriarchy or clannish culture. I have not posted for quite a while and have been busy with my consulting work with organisations. As I was looking back at some of the experiences in the past, I was struck by certain themes that seem to be repeated in many organisations, in groups of people and in our daily lives.

theme number one is "Hierarchy" - Socialism or communism or many other isms may be spreading the word of classless system or society, the concept of hierarchy is exceptionally strong in people's mind. Many people and organisations that I come across, do dislike the idea of hierarchy when they look at the concept on paper , at least they consider it to be less desirable over other qualities. However, in their own behaviour with their own people or even among themselves, the idea of hierarchy remains very strong and it is all pervasive. It is present in the way they control information, they way they compete with each other, the way they would seek or demand services of who they believe are service providers, etc ... and the list is endless.

Hierarchy does provide us with a sense of structure and consequently the safety and security of a given structure. It also binds our freedom, movement and choice making as per the norms of the structure.

What I have been finding interesting is how people perceive hierarchy from an outside in location where most find it less desirable, and how most people are almost blind to it when it resides in their own psyche. It seems as though the safety and security of the hierarchy are internalised but the rigidity and the oppression are externalised or projected out. This way, others can always be blamed for holding us captive while we do not have to take responsibility of our own captivity simultaneously.

The second theme seems to be "benevolence": this in a way is a by product of hierarchy - benevolence can be shown in many ways. In most work systems, some of the ways benevolence is shown are by being socially polite to people, by being supportive in times of crisis, by offering facilities and social stature and by providing a patient hearing to people's complaints and grievances. Often, in many organisations and system I have experienced, these are held with high degree of positivity and pride and so they should be as these are well intended gestures and intentions. However, in many organisations and in many groups, there runs a subterranean culture which often demands in return of those above, absolute obedience and silent acceptance of lack of justice. Often people in this culture are treated like "less than" but they will rarely be dignified by stating that up front. Resultantly, people will sense the indignity but since the above ground culture is strongly protective and benevolent, they will feel confused and will have self doubt or would blame themselves for not being good enough for the system; because they believe a benevolent system can not be unjust. Hence the culture of "not being good enough" can be a strong stick to beat people with in a benevolent culture while "we will be there for you in crisis" or "we are like one big happy family" will be the carrot to keep people within the fold.

I am watching some of these processes with avid fascination as these keep people in a stronghold and consequently finding an identity for the self as also for the group becomes synonymous with betraying the system, be it family, be it work organisation and be it relationships. Finding an identity would mean that one has to simultaneously look at the self, its own need, potency, desires, sense of respect for self and at the same time has to take into account the systemic need for compliance, conformity, collaboration and respect for systemic authority. It therefore is not very easy to straddle both the horses and often many people, groups or organisations find it easier to ride one rather than holding the tensions of the opposites alive.

what are your views on hierarchy, benevolence, etc? what other processes do you see in your respective systems? I would love to hear your stories and insights.

to deal with ghosts of the past!

Had a chat with a few colleagues and friends this evening.  The chat was intended towards finding an arrangement for a business proposition, but before that it was focused towards looking at the emotional tonality lying around.  What came about were the past hurts, reactivity and mistrust that were lying around, willingness to bring in some clarity about the way forward and some new resolutions.

This process evoked many things in me .... some relief, some clarity, some resolution, some understanding of where others are located in their mind, and some emotional turmoil with a certain intensity.  I chose to not engage in an emotional drama but to engage with the process of clarifying and understanding what was happening and what issue belongs to who or to what context.  I also acknowledged that while I had a greater intellectual clarity, I have to let the emotional turmoil take its time to settle down, and find a new level of balance within myself.

At the end of it all, it has left me with a sense of internal control that I may not have experienced earlier.  What threw me off balance internally were the past ghosts of perception about me by others.  These ghosts don't need too much time to jump up from their dark shadowy corners to jump at me, crowd around and fill me with their whispering bitter voices that say " see this is what others think of you ... we told you so, how dare she/he ... blah, blah, blah ...

Usually there are two unsuccessful ways I deal with these ghosts.  One is to listen to them and allow them to overpower me with bitternes, remorse, anger and reactivity; the second is to tell them to go away and then tell myself that they don't exist, but simultaneously keeping a small voice alive inside which whispers:"may be some of what these ghosts bring are true.  is it true?  can it be so?" and so on and so forth.

today I decided to do neither.  I listened to the ghosts and asked them stand aside and did not shut the door on them;  I also listened to the other voice of the critique which usually commands me to get on with life, to move on, to not make an issue out of anything; I asked it too to stand aside.  I then became my spokesperson who was compassionate to both how I was feeling emotionally and understanding and accepting what my rationality was telling me.  I also looked around - these people were my friends and colleagues - they were not my enemies - they were expressing their deep sense of anguish and hurt and disappointment and anger over something that happened to them and it involved me to an extent.  Could I understand and grace that?  Yes, I could.

Could I also grace my frazzled emotional state rather than telling it to shut up and critique it?  I did.  I felt what I was feeling, did not hide it, neither did I let it take over the entire reality and paint it only with its intense emotional tonality.

Then I spoke to my friends telling them how I understood what they had felt and went through.  At the same time, there was an intensity of feeling that I had and tht I needed time to let it take its course, take time and settle down.  That I did not intend to let the feeling dictate my action, nor did I allow my dry logical critical self override my emotional self.  I accepted and graced both and I felt good towards myself.

I am writing this post to also put this out in the open to all of you as this process helps me to reach out to others without filtering or without shame.  

I would love to hear about your experience; do you encounter old ghosts?  What do they tell you?  What is your relationship with them?

How do you deal with them?

 

 

 

Bloopers of the World - Unite!

Blooper - an embarrassing mistake              :-))

(blunder, boner, boo-boo, botch, bungle, flub, foul-up, fuckup, pratfall, bloomer, error, fault, mistake - a wrong action attributable to bad judgement or ignorance or inattention)

So, as you must have guessed by now, today's topic is bloopers committed by ....  Who, you ask?  Me, obviously to begin with :-)  and then we can move on to nicer stuff, like yours, for instance? He, he!

Let me start:

• my colleague copied me in a mail sent to a client.  I happily responded to him with plenty of snide remarks about the client - little did I realise that I hit the "reply all" button and it was sent to the client and copied to my colleague!  :-((  Needless to say, we did not get the business.
• My partner brought a gentleman to me at an event saying "look who's where!".  Our eyes met, I looked into his eyes earnestly and asked sweetly :"hi, have we met before?"  The person's eyes became frosty and pat came the answer with a frown - "Yes, I had dinner at your place last month"!  Gulp,  I didn't know where to look. 
• Yours truly introducing two persons to each other  as Mr. X please meet Mr. Y , and actually doing exactly the opposite, i.e. telling Mr. X to meet Mr. X and vice versa.  Yikes. :-(
• Now the best for the last - I  recently  sent  a mail to a friend of mine assuring her to not worry too much about  doing what her heart wants, as the  public memory is very short, and ultimately it does not matter, etc, etc.  She sent a response saying she could not stop giggling ever since she received my mail and she quoted:    "Please don't worry, pubic memory is very short"    please note the figurative, literally and existential connotations.  

Ladies and Gentlemen, I rest my case.

And now from some others:

• my dear ex-husband once introduced his mother to his friends as his "mother-in'law".  Predictably, my mother-in-law was not amused at all. Thereafter she never left any chance to loudly broadcast the evil influence that her daughter-in-law had over her dear son!
• one of my dear friends sent a mail to me last night - it was a very intense, very personal, very private mail.  And in her anxiety about ensuring that the mail reached me, she sent it to multiple mail i.ds of mine, albeit with an additional sprinkling of i.ds of other people with similar sounding names.  As a result, her private world was revealed electronically to a much wider audience than she would ever liked them to be. 

what are your bloopers?  Would you like to share?  :-)