may 3 2008. 9.56 pm

watching the self is a fascinating pastime or an occupation - whichever way one looks at it! i have been wondering at this idea, well not wondering, but been observing actually.

it seems to me that people in general have two kinds of predispositions. one who have a predisposition of well being, irrespective of their back ground, their personal history, their current context and future. they most times seem to have an ability to be cheerful, to look at the world with wonderment, have a sense of calm and be happy with themselves. so when they meet others, they are usually welcoming, attentive, relaxed and people like to be with them.

and then, there are these other sets of people whose predispositions are to have a sense of non-well being with themselves. no matter where they are, no matter who they are with or what has been the context, these people will have a sense of gloom, a feel of something being incomplete, something missing, a tense body, preoccupations with past and anxieties about the future and most of all, they are not relaxed. and predictably, when they are with people, they are highly vigilant, defensive, preoccupied and other people are often left with doubts both about themselves and these people.

of course, life or people are not as black and white as i have outlined above. there are all kinds of shades in between and people come in all shapes and sizes. but if i were to look a broad pattern of having a sense of well being and having a sense of non well being most of the time, then i would categorise people in this two category.

i fall in the second category. my sense of non well being has always been my companion for as long as i remember. i never questioned it in the past, in fact, i had accepted that as the only way to be.

today i question it, i ask myself, what is it that generates this sense of non well being?

i have some answers but all such answers are cliched. i am not interested in looking at the answers as well. But I believe, that for most people, who share this sense of non well being with me would agree that it is a debilitating feeling most of the time, to be in this state. And only sometimes, once in a while, when we are in a state of well being, we are actually breathing more, smiling more, accepting life without being vigilant, able to look at the future without being worried about it and actually being able to enjoy the "moment" - every moment of the present, which is passing away and will never come back to us again.

and on those rare of the rare moments, there is a tremendous feeling of being connected and being one with the earth, with life ---

being one with the insects, the birds, the leaves, the honking cars, the passers by, the passing clouds, the Internet, the TV, the nameless faces, the madness, the ugly, the depression, the manic high, the undesirable and the most beautiful.

only, those very rare moments that i often feel that i am fully alive and i feel grateful.