I have often described insights coming to me as snowflakes falling softly on my head. I don't know why i use this analogy as i have never experienced snow in my life. it is possible that the way i receive these insights are not like 'wham', 'crash', 'zing', but more like a soft whisper in my head.
i was thinking about my mood swings and irritation and impulses and wondering whether one gets a hang of handling these things or does biological changes overtake who you are. Just at that precise moment "the whisper in my head" told me that actually i have always been like that, moody, unpredictable, impatient, with little sense of boundary management, volatile, enthusiastic, impulsive, hyper, enthusiastic, ..... sounds a bit like a teenager with raging hormones!!
Except, I am no teenager, i am nearly 50 years old and this is by and large how i have been most parts of my life.
i guess, in a way, i never really grew up.
oh, i am not crying about it, nor do i regret it but it does seem like a long time to be in this state. what accompanies this state is a continuous sense of dissatisfaction of what life offered me and mostly what it did not; every point of receiving a gift from life is laced with a doubt of whether i was worthy of receiving it!
i cant remember for how long i have been in this state. seems like forever. my mood changes more often than the clouds changing their position in the sky! and it often changes towards being grumpy or feeling heavy or being restless ....
I also see the rage that has been my constant companion over the years. in fact it has a form, looks like a figure with a orange flame like thing around and it is moving, shouting, screaming in
rage. i can't hear what it is saying but i can see the colour and i can see the movement. it is very real. when i see it as separate from me, i can see my rage and then it is easier to manage but most times, it is smart enough to disguise itself as irritation or impatience or restlessness and then i give in. 'Wham'! it comes with its full blown attack and i realise only post facto!
in fact, people feel i am quite loving but at the same time they are quite afraid of me. their fear is more about my being not predictable. the worse part is i don't realise when i am not being that.
and i can see what they were scared of post facto and i don't blame them.
most times my lovingness come to me in gushes like a flow of a stream which is sometimes dry and sometimes overflowing with passion. people at the receiving end can not handle this. they are not prepared to be smothered by it or being bludgeoned to death with my irritation or indifference!
i think being a teenager also means not having received any valid parenting at all. which is true in my case. so how does one parent oneself? i guess the fact that i am in touch with this is a step.
sometimes i look at my daughter and see how similar and how different she is vis-a-vis me. there are times when she is parenting me like a mother i never had. i guess for her, having a mother like me has been tough. but she has grown up to be quite alright.
i miss not having a mother .... very very much .... and i have always stopped myself from grieving, saying what is the use? i guess real grieving has never happened.
I think time has come for me to start 'mothering' myself and being a person and not a perennial teenager!
Even 'Juno' grew up! :-)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
after a long time
I was working with an organisation last week who are in the process of bringing in internal changes in attitude, development of people, leadership roles and new paradigms in the organisation. They are in the areas of advocacy for change and bringing in social awareness, specific to young people.
While i was working with them i noticed their extremely high level of commitment towards the organisation and what they believed in and yet, their difficulty in working with each other as one voice. what was bogging them down was not their personal interests or need for personal gain, but i hypothesise was their clash of personal isms. this may become clear if i were to write about a triangle that i saw was at work within this group.
This is the triangle of three types of isms, (the credit for this frame goes to my colleague Ashok Malhotra who coined it), namely romanticism i.e. i wish my world was like this, idealism i.e. this is the way the world should be and pragmatism i.e. this is the way the world is. what i find intriguing that in the effort to act on one's conviction, one arm of this triangle is almost always the loser.
If pragmatism is joined with idealism, then we have strategic planning, defined boundaries, way forwards, new directions, etc. However, more often than not, the romanticism has to bid adieu from this. for in the search for pragmatism, romanticism inevitably brings in ambiguity and lack of clarity. for romantics dreams of wishes and desires, a bit like Lennon's song "imagine". They dream and wish for things and scenarios that have not happened yet and probably sounds no plausible in the current context. This often destabilises the way forward, and even dislocates the people from the path. and yet, without romanticism, most plans and visions become dry and lifeless.
when romanticism and idealism join hands, strong winds of change takes birth. urgency to change things, need to bring in changes in the current stagnant, unwholesome context becomes strong and may even breed impatience and intolerance. if this is not tempered with pragmatism, perhaps all voices can not be heard and often the ground reality sufferes.
in this group, collectively romanticism and idealism have joined hands and they are all for bringing in changes both in themselves and the context in which they work in. but simple pragmatism like living with one another's limitations was something they were finding quite difficult to deal with. every limitation had to be dealt with and sorted out, every difference must be sorted out so that amiability returns as though feelings like displeasure, dislike, impatience do not contribute to any productivity at all.
i have seen this in my personal life as well. I find it very difficult to live with displeasure, dislike, impatience, irritability towards people with whom i share intimate relationships and who i love very much. it seems as though i am betraying the other person along with myself. as though i signed some invisible contract to always remain loving towards the other.
in time i have discovered that while this orientation makes my life stressful, it makes the other's life more suffocating and artificial. in this way, there is almost no scope for growth for either of us nor is there any scope for the relationship to grow. evolution stops and what remains are empty shells of yesterday, which often leaves me with regret and longing/yearning for something that does not exist any more.
i still struggle with it, but find it much easier to look at it in the face and don't feel afraid that it makes me look ugly, uncaring and insensitive. it also makes me look 'real' to myself.
While i was working with them i noticed their extremely high level of commitment towards the organisation and what they believed in and yet, their difficulty in working with each other as one voice. what was bogging them down was not their personal interests or need for personal gain, but i hypothesise was their clash of personal isms. this may become clear if i were to write about a triangle that i saw was at work within this group.
This is the triangle of three types of isms, (the credit for this frame goes to my colleague Ashok Malhotra who coined it), namely romanticism i.e. i wish my world was like this, idealism i.e. this is the way the world should be and pragmatism i.e. this is the way the world is. what i find intriguing that in the effort to act on one's conviction, one arm of this triangle is almost always the loser.
If pragmatism is joined with idealism, then we have strategic planning, defined boundaries, way forwards, new directions, etc. However, more often than not, the romanticism has to bid adieu from this. for in the search for pragmatism, romanticism inevitably brings in ambiguity and lack of clarity. for romantics dreams of wishes and desires, a bit like Lennon's song "imagine". They dream and wish for things and scenarios that have not happened yet and probably sounds no plausible in the current context. This often destabilises the way forward, and even dislocates the people from the path. and yet, without romanticism, most plans and visions become dry and lifeless.
when romanticism and idealism join hands, strong winds of change takes birth. urgency to change things, need to bring in changes in the current stagnant, unwholesome context becomes strong and may even breed impatience and intolerance. if this is not tempered with pragmatism, perhaps all voices can not be heard and often the ground reality sufferes.
in this group, collectively romanticism and idealism have joined hands and they are all for bringing in changes both in themselves and the context in which they work in. but simple pragmatism like living with one another's limitations was something they were finding quite difficult to deal with. every limitation had to be dealt with and sorted out, every difference must be sorted out so that amiability returns as though feelings like displeasure, dislike, impatience do not contribute to any productivity at all.
i have seen this in my personal life as well. I find it very difficult to live with displeasure, dislike, impatience, irritability towards people with whom i share intimate relationships and who i love very much. it seems as though i am betraying the other person along with myself. as though i signed some invisible contract to always remain loving towards the other.
in time i have discovered that while this orientation makes my life stressful, it makes the other's life more suffocating and artificial. in this way, there is almost no scope for growth for either of us nor is there any scope for the relationship to grow. evolution stops and what remains are empty shells of yesterday, which often leaves me with regret and longing/yearning for something that does not exist any more.
i still struggle with it, but find it much easier to look at it in the face and don't feel afraid that it makes me look ugly, uncaring and insensitive. it also makes me look 'real' to myself.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
making peace with my past ....
I read a book long time ago with this title .... understood intellectually and made little sense emotionally.
i think in order for anything to make sense to you "emotionally", you have to be at that space in your life when you are ready to make that transition, or at least ready to face the "?"
if i were to look at myself today, what am i ready to face? i think "delusion" will be one big word out there. I am not talking about the western psycho-pathological connotation of the word "delusion" but more from the point of view of experiencing reality as it really is, rather what i wish it to be, mostly unknowingly.
today, i am pondering over many things ... to begin with:
- things that i expected to last for ever, ... like emotional connect and romantic love.
i expected this love to envelope me all my life exactly the way it started. but love changes because we change. but when the moment came for me to face that change? i burst out internally, and said to myself:
- this person does not wish to remain emotionally connected with me because there is something wrong in the way he/she thinks/feels.
- this person does not wish to receive what i have to offer (never looking actually what am i offering and how the nature of the offering has changed)
- i have failed in keeping this emotional connect alive ..... it is my fault or the other person's fault that it is not working the way "it was supposed to"
sounds like nursery baby thoughts? it does to me too, but only now.
only when am i able to look at the delusion that i have been holding for such a long time that
LOVE LASTS FOR A LIFE TIME (with the proviso that it can have fights, disconnects, separations, etc but ultimately it comes back to where it was)
and this is the delusion. nothing is static.
and what is behind this? aha!
behind this is my fear of "being abandoned" (just like my mother did, by dying on me when i was 3 years old, and then my next caregiver moved away when i was 5, and many others)
so by creating this fantastic delusion, i have been hoping to avoid facing the pain of "being abandoned" ....
and actually making sure that it happens again and again by being a clinging, insecure person and by relating to just those who are really really scared of being bound.
what a fantastic game!
i am actually feeling good about discovering this today about myself. i know this is not rocket science, many will know this in any case. i have known this intellectually for a long long time.
but today for the first time, it sat peacefully in my heart and i was able to talk to my heart about how "I have changed" and not about the other person.
that makes me feel good. :-)
i think in order for anything to make sense to you "emotionally", you have to be at that space in your life when you are ready to make that transition, or at least ready to face the "?"
if i were to look at myself today, what am i ready to face? i think "delusion" will be one big word out there. I am not talking about the western psycho-pathological connotation of the word "delusion" but more from the point of view of experiencing reality as it really is, rather what i wish it to be, mostly unknowingly.
today, i am pondering over many things ... to begin with:
- things that i expected to last for ever, ... like emotional connect and romantic love.
i expected this love to envelope me all my life exactly the way it started. but love changes because we change. but when the moment came for me to face that change? i burst out internally, and said to myself:
- this person does not wish to remain emotionally connected with me because there is something wrong in the way he/she thinks/feels.
- this person does not wish to receive what i have to offer (never looking actually what am i offering and how the nature of the offering has changed)
- i have failed in keeping this emotional connect alive ..... it is my fault or the other person's fault that it is not working the way "it was supposed to"
sounds like nursery baby thoughts? it does to me too, but only now.
only when am i able to look at the delusion that i have been holding for such a long time that
LOVE LASTS FOR A LIFE TIME (with the proviso that it can have fights, disconnects, separations, etc but ultimately it comes back to where it was)
and this is the delusion. nothing is static.
and what is behind this? aha!
behind this is my fear of "being abandoned" (just like my mother did, by dying on me when i was 3 years old, and then my next caregiver moved away when i was 5, and many others)
so by creating this fantastic delusion, i have been hoping to avoid facing the pain of "being abandoned" ....
and actually making sure that it happens again and again by being a clinging, insecure person and by relating to just those who are really really scared of being bound.
what a fantastic game!
i am actually feeling good about discovering this today about myself. i know this is not rocket science, many will know this in any case. i have known this intellectually for a long long time.
but today for the first time, it sat peacefully in my heart and i was able to talk to my heart about how "I have changed" and not about the other person.
that makes me feel good. :-)
Saturday, January 12, 2008
yippe, i have been told to "walk"
just went to the orthopedics, he welcomed me with his warm doctorly smile ... sent me for an x-ray. i kept my fingers and slightly swollen toes crossed for hopeful results. the machined creaked under its ancient weight ... whirred for a while and hopefully captured the image of my broken and may be mending bone! the technician looked happy with the result. the doctor looked even happier with it. he said, "oh, ok now you can start walking, right here, right now" as he looked at the x-ray plate as though he was savouring a moment of victory. "your leg is healing very well"
I looked on doubtfully .... healing? what healing? and if so, what do i do with this dastardly plaster cast? He looked at me with pity in his eyes : "I am afraid, that will stay for 3 more weeks" Ashok gasped, "3 more months"? "No, no, 3 weeks; 3 months will stiffen the ankle". He smiled.
i continued to look at him and at my leg suspiciously ... but, but how can i walk with this d.... p...?
the doctor again looked at me with pity: "oh, just start walking, you will get used to it. don't worry. everything will be alright".
ok, so much so. I decided to be cheerful about it albeit with grave doubt in my mind. on the way home, i told ashok we must celebrate this with 'samosas' and 'rasogollas' (salty deep fried dumplings with yum potato and peas filling and sweet cottage cheese balls). he happily agreed but alas, the treacherous K C Das did not have samosas .... i felt like crying but braved it. Ashok then suggested we try the "Randevouz" for its tasty patties but even that has closed down. sob sob ...
anyway, came home, have now started walking as in started trying to walk. and feeling really scared whether i will break the bone again by just trying to walk.
watched a intense movie in the comp ... felt very scared and terrified while watching it but the ending was rather abrupt. great acting though.
tomorrow, we have a lunch invitation to attend. i am looking forward to it. at least i can "walk" to it, he he!
I looked on doubtfully .... healing? what healing? and if so, what do i do with this dastardly plaster cast? He looked at me with pity in his eyes : "I am afraid, that will stay for 3 more weeks" Ashok gasped, "3 more months"? "No, no, 3 weeks; 3 months will stiffen the ankle". He smiled.
i continued to look at him and at my leg suspiciously ... but, but how can i walk with this d.... p...?
the doctor again looked at me with pity: "oh, just start walking, you will get used to it. don't worry. everything will be alright".
ok, so much so. I decided to be cheerful about it albeit with grave doubt in my mind. on the way home, i told ashok we must celebrate this with 'samosas' and 'rasogollas' (salty deep fried dumplings with yum potato and peas filling and sweet cottage cheese balls). he happily agreed but alas, the treacherous K C Das did not have samosas .... i felt like crying but braved it. Ashok then suggested we try the "Randevouz" for its tasty patties but even that has closed down. sob sob ...
anyway, came home, have now started walking as in started trying to walk. and feeling really scared whether i will break the bone again by just trying to walk.
watched a intense movie in the comp ... felt very scared and terrified while watching it but the ending was rather abrupt. great acting though.
tomorrow, we have a lunch invitation to attend. i am looking forward to it. at least i can "walk" to it, he he!
Friday, January 11, 2008
hope returns just when you give up on it
here i have been feeling very low and depressed ... for no particular reason really ... just the mornings are so dreary and tiring ... and i never was like that. my mornings were almost always nice and cheerful.
then i reminded myself that every day waking up means i have to depend upon others for small movements and worse still, i can not do half the things i used to do.
asked A what makes him so happy ... he said he was the "happy sort" ... hmm .. then he thought some more and said what makes him happy is that he feels free to be able to do what he feels like, does not have any worry or load on him .....
i asked myself how come i do not feel the same way ... what makes me feel so weighed down? Have I lost the ability to feel good or hopeful about life itself?
then i remembered a conversation with K yesterday and he was talking about his childhood and his mother and how his mom wanted to give birth to him even when his father was unsure and they were not even married then! and then he talked about the place he grew up in, his home and his relatives and his growing up .... and then i thought about him now and his plans ...
what then occurred to me is that may be most of us take the present moment as the absolute certainty ... like "this is the way life is " and miss the ever changing moments of life as it is changing continuously.
But again, i can think and understand the same intellectually very well but can not feel the ever changingness of life ... i look at it post fact after it has happened and staring me in the eye
right now as i am sitting in front of my desk top and writing this, all the windows in the room are open and sunlight is streaming in albeit with lots of noise and pollution ... but also with some nice breeze and feeling of hope ...
it is not a hope about me or anything, just that life is alive and it is continuous and is ever changing ... and i hope someday i will be able to just wake up and feel good about being born as a human being and being alive!
then i reminded myself that every day waking up means i have to depend upon others for small movements and worse still, i can not do half the things i used to do.
asked A what makes him so happy ... he said he was the "happy sort" ... hmm .. then he thought some more and said what makes him happy is that he feels free to be able to do what he feels like, does not have any worry or load on him .....
i asked myself how come i do not feel the same way ... what makes me feel so weighed down? Have I lost the ability to feel good or hopeful about life itself?
then i remembered a conversation with K yesterday and he was talking about his childhood and his mother and how his mom wanted to give birth to him even when his father was unsure and they were not even married then! and then he talked about the place he grew up in, his home and his relatives and his growing up .... and then i thought about him now and his plans ...
what then occurred to me is that may be most of us take the present moment as the absolute certainty ... like "this is the way life is " and miss the ever changing moments of life as it is changing continuously.
But again, i can think and understand the same intellectually very well but can not feel the ever changingness of life ... i look at it post fact after it has happened and staring me in the eye
right now as i am sitting in front of my desk top and writing this, all the windows in the room are open and sunlight is streaming in albeit with lots of noise and pollution ... but also with some nice breeze and feeling of hope ...
it is not a hope about me or anything, just that life is alive and it is continuous and is ever changing ... and i hope someday i will be able to just wake up and feel good about being born as a human being and being alive!
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