making peace with my past ....

I read a book long time ago with this title .... understood intellectually and made little sense emotionally.

i think in order for anything to make sense to you "emotionally", you have to be at that space in your life when you are ready to make that transition, or at least ready to face the "?"

if i were to look at myself today, what am i ready to face? i think "delusion" will be one big word out there. I am not talking about the western psycho-pathological connotation of the word "delusion" but more from the point of view of experiencing reality as it really is, rather what i wish it to be, mostly unknowingly.

today, i am pondering over many things ... to begin with:

- things that i expected to last for ever, ... like emotional connect and romantic love.
i expected this love to envelope me all my life exactly the way it started. but love changes because we change. but when the moment came for me to face that change? i burst out internally, and said to myself:

- this person does not wish to remain emotionally connected with me because there is something wrong in the way he/she thinks/feels.

- this person does not wish to receive what i have to offer (never looking actually what am i offering and how the nature of the offering has changed)

- i have failed in keeping this emotional connect alive ..... it is my fault or the other person's fault that it is not working the way "it was supposed to"

sounds like nursery baby thoughts? it does to me too, but only now.

only when am i able to look at the delusion that i have been holding for such a long time that
LOVE LASTS FOR A LIFE TIME (with the proviso that it can have fights, disconnects, separations, etc but ultimately it comes back to where it was)

and this is the delusion. nothing is static.

and what is behind this? aha!

behind this is my fear of "being abandoned" (just like my mother did, by dying on me when i was 3 years old, and then my next caregiver moved away when i was 5, and many others)

so by creating this fantastic delusion, i have been hoping to avoid facing the pain of "being abandoned" ....

and actually making sure that it happens again and again by being a clinging, insecure person and by relating to just those who are really really scared of being bound.

what a fantastic game!

i am actually feeling good about discovering this today about myself. i know this is not rocket science, many will know this in any case. i have known this intellectually for a long long time.

but today for the first time, it sat peacefully in my heart and i was able to talk to my heart about how "I have changed" and not about the other person.

that makes me feel good. :-)