I went through what i had written earlier and then some pieces of a jigsaw puzzle fell into place. had a chat with A in the morning and some more pieces fell into place. rather than talking about me, let me write about the phenomena that i saw as a process.

just like the picture, compassion is possibly held in most of our mind as something that always flows downwards. for example, i never really felt compassionate towards my father or any adults for that matter in my young days as i believed (and realised that i still do), that as an adult, you must always be responsible for your acts of omission and commission and therefore if you make a mistake or be "weak", you must pay a price for it. however, when it comes to compassion flowing downwards, it is often showered on younger people, juniors in status, people in lower social strata compared to us, to the "under dog" and of course to our children.

in fact, i have written exactly that in last blog. i have very "righteously" how we as parents (and of course as adults) must be resposible for our acts of omission and commissions, etc, etc.

it is perhaps a phenomena for a lot of people out there, for who, compassion flowing upwards would be experinced as "sucking upto the powers that be" or at best, it would be sympathy tinged with hidden contempt or criticism. whereas for the "under dogs" (and children are often so to us), compassion is quite free flowing and is experienced as a virtue.

this brings me to the "critical self" that is continuously demanding more from us and practically offering nothing. And when we are the grips of the "critical self" we offer our children the same that we offer ourselves, i.e. criticality (which inevitably turns into lack of faith in them) or we offer solutions. Perhaps, in the relationship between parents and children, what is most important is compassion, from them to us and from us to them without any strings attached.

Yet it is such a difficult task to be compassionate without being helpful or advisory or patronising towards them. Similarly it is so difficult to accept our follies and our slip ups as parents as though we are God!

conversations

have you ever noticed that when conversations become staccato or has an underlying sharp edge to it, it may have some unspoken criticisms or disappointments or anxieties holding fort in the back ground for the conversationalists.

it often happens between me and my daughter ... many times memories of my conversations with my father gets brought back when i converse with her. i have not yet figured out what the edgy ness on my part is all about. i only remember i held my father in deep criticism most of the time and took it for granted that he never really understood me. and do i dare to think the same about me and my daughter? i am not sure!

perhaps it is the burden of being a parent - and perhaps with children we find it difficult to be "me" or to be an individual on our own right and often get reduced to being a "parent" and a "parent" alone.

and when you are only a "parent" , who are talking to? your "child" and that is when, my friend, you are doomed for ever.

that day i was talking to a feminist and she was quoting another, and the quote was :"once you become pregnant, you remain pregnant for ever". i.e. you never really feel free to be yourself in your role as a parent.

the ones who dare to be, are usually condemned. i am not sure i am ready to be condemned. in any case there are enough condemnations of varying degrees doing their rounds for me and for every other parents all over the place.

well, i sound crabby and whinny. i am not feeling like that. I am simply facing up to reality and accepting it as it comes.

If we wish to be ourselves, we will have to hold us accountable for our actions, acts of omission and commissions and we have to accept our off springs as individuals who just happened to have come to this world through us. we have to accept that they may not like us, may not want to be with us, that their sense of 'home' may not lie with us any more, and, they may love or like other people more than "us".

and the toughest thing to do, is to accept that in order to be ourselves, we can not longer hide behind "all my actions are in their best interests" as this creates bitterness and criticisms towards our off springs which we find (I certainly do) difficult to express.

therefore, what do we do when parenting seems to be a lifelong tag being permanently attached? well, i guess, to just grow up (or grow old!) and accept that every individual has to find an agent in order to descend to this world just as we did through our parents.

And, live our own lives.

and that is one of the problems of being a "Parent". you take it for granted that you are not supposed to have a separate life apart from your offspring. At best, your life should weave around them, be accommodating, infrastructural, accepting and space providing, but never, never, without them.

how do you live YOUR life without having to choose being a parent or not being one?

self worth and relationships

Have been feeling low, down and out for several days. When I look at how I feel, there are several so called reasons for it, feeling unloved, undesired, low on confidence, lack of hope, lack of direction, lack of purpose and the whole host of it.

After moping for several days i am feeling more enraged and irritated towards myself. One thought that keeps coming to me is that if I were to face a person who was like who I am at the present moment, what would I have felt towards him or her? one single answer that comes is : "CONTEMPT" in capital letters.

I would have felt contemptuous, helpless, angry, tired and irritable. This constant whining would have got at me faster than it is hitting others. I think A has been quite patient and sweet with me, he is coping with whatever i am dishing out to him with grit and hidden resignation and may be even a little bit of despair.

Who would want to love a woman like me, this way? If i am whining about feeling low on self worth, etc, what is the other person supposed to do? At best the other person can try and help, be a problem solver. but basically apart from just listening, what else can any one do?

I hardly ever smile, I am sulking most of the time as though the whole world owes me big time and they have not paid their dues. what the fuck!

I am more and more getting convinced that this deeply entrenched sense of "low self worth" (behind that a very firm belief that I AM COMPLETELY UNLOVABLE) can not go, until I start gazing inward, but not in an analytical way. I have done that way too many times. By now I know every cause, every 'why's of every 'how's. that does not help. in fact what that does, in a way, is to strengthen this whining that 'oh such a bad thing happen to me, therefore, what else will i be, but this, that and the other".

my internal gaze would have to be more spiritual, more meditative. I am not sure I alone can do it. when i try to do it, there is tremendous resistance to it. I feel very restless, my mind races off and i feel like running away. It can be quite distressing at times.

but I also know that meditative practice is a discipline and not something that happens in a day. I am hoping that one of these days, very soon, I will be able to settle with that discipline within myself.

meanwhile can I experiment with smiling? not just a physical mouth open teeth showing smile; i mean, can i smile at myself and smile inwards?

As i am writing this, one of those restless, disbelieving and laughing voices in my head is saying "what the fuck are you writing, you stupid idiot, do you even know what the f*** does that mean"?

and it is right. I have no clue about what i am saying, but I am hoping, that instead of knowing, I can experience it somehow, soon.

Aparajito by Ray

just finished watching Aparajito by Satyajit Ray. It is the 2nd part of a trilogy by him, from a novel by Bibhutibhushan Bandopadhyay. Felt very moved while watching. It is a simple story of a small family of a husband, wife and a son.

The story is told in a non judgemental way from the point of view of the little boy under the age of ten. He grows up amidst fondness and love of his parents who are surrounded by deprivation, illness, uncertainty, death and hardship. Surprisingly the boy's curiosity and innocence remain refreshingly intact. As he grows up and moves away from home, his apparent lack of any close emotional ties with his surviving and slowly ailing mother or with anyone does feel like a very natural flow emanating from a character like that.

while i was watching the movie, i was also thinking that although the storyline is based almost eighty or ninety years ago, it still seems very contemporary. The theme of moving away from home is very alive today, in fact even more so today.

the movie has a background of deprivation and poverty and yet the boy finds his wherewithal to go out to a bigger city and study. In today's time, most city dwelling middle class parents would want their children to go out and study so that they do well in life and they do provide for all such necessity. However, the tie that gets loosened between the child and home as it has been shown in the movie, has not probably changed.

Moving away from mother's close watchful eyes to a larger world full of freedom, opportunity and new wonders. Home seems like a distant past where nothing moves and time stands still. Very aptly, the hero of this film says, "I don't feel like going back to my village, i only feel sleepy there". I thought that comment was a signifier of what home perhaps mean today to most. It is probably a place that provides continuity and safety but does not provide any stimulation. May be that is the nature of home.


I wonder, however, is the essentially in the nature of home or is this what we have made it out to be? Has home become only a refuge of those who stay back, waiting only for those who may or may not return?

reading Ken Wilber

Have been reading "Grace & Grit" by Ken Wilber. The book is about his life spent with Treya, his wife, who is no more. She suffered from breast cancer almost from the beginning of their marriage and passed away after five years.

what i find compelling about this book is the bear bone honesty with which it has been written, This has entries from Treya's journal and Ken's writing about their life, their journey together, their love, their dark sides, their neuroses, their struggle and fight with the disease and their acceptance(or lack of it) of self, of each other, life, love, hatred, and all the junk that lie around in our persona. and of course, their meditation.

i felt hopeful reading this book. It is giving me back hope and faith. i feel drawn towards meditation and forgiveness practice.

what i also got in touch is that life and living is a discipline - it is not a hard cruel "if you don't abide by, then you will die" kind of discipline, but is more like having a gentle, loving and yet firm mother around kind of a discipline. life needs some order to be lived, to ground itself; so that it can give us the space to do other things after feeling alive.

Right now going through a lab with twenty five managers. A is also with me. we are feeling so loving towards one another, so gently and yet so deeply.

The lab is going on alright ... at times i have to fight hard with myself to stop judging the participants .... judging is so easy, compassion and sincere joining in is so hard.

As the personal life stories of some of them are unfolding in the lab space, I am awe struck, amazed, saddened, touched, resonated .....

I am also in touch with the "me ness" and it is like a light shadow at this point of time. i can most times feel it but can not distinguish. Only at times, i can see it clearly. Those times are special, i have a feeling of floating. when i am separate from my "me ness" i feel lighter, happier, broader, expansive. and at times, when the "me ness" envelopes me like a fog, i sometimes forget to breath, i feel agitated, reactive, snappy.

but i am finding it easier to talk to me now a day. :-)