finding a friend inside you is actually a good thing !! i am now having more dialogues inside my head and sorting out things there rather than excitedly telling A or some other people about it and then starting the whole spiral of analysis, arguments, counter arguments, blaming, accusations and counter accusations ..... what a spiral.

now when i feel that the head is buzzing too strongly and people sitting around me can hear them, i walk about, get a glass of water, think of a song, visualise nice things ....

actually feel more empowered within myself by doing all these ... it helps me get a grip on my bitterness, my caustic criticisms and contempt of others, my disapproval, my disappointments and my hurt feelings. OK, the down side is that the dialogue or monologue becomes lengthier and sometimes, i have to ask "who is it who is talking just now"; scary, sounds like i am going mad? nah, actually i am feeling more sane than before.

i have never believed these feel good or do good books or theories which said that one should control one's negative thoughts or feelings and replace them with more constructive and positive ones. actually they work quite alright. one does not have to do it all the time but once in a while, or more than once in a while, it is a good thing to be able to see you thoughts, converse with them and put them aside rather than bringing them out there in front of every one else and then wait to be crucified.

also the need to bring them out perhaps is more out of wanting to make the other person see my point of view, hoping that they see their wrong doing, or agree with mine, or take corrective steps, etc, etc. all of these create dependency of an insidisous kind --- while i believe that i am acting out of my "free" choice but actually i am waiting for direct or indiect approval or agreement and feeling angry, disappointed and resentful when not being provided.

then the whole feeling of i am one down in the relatedness sets in and the downward spiral begins.

what seems to be working for me is to be able to have these diaglogues and also to continuously remind myself that the world does not work according to my needs and that every one wants their way -- this is the nature of the world -- like driving in indian cities - you have to decide whether you will be destructive in yoru driving passion, give way to road rage or to drive to the best of your abilities and get to your destination.

having a destination works -- at this point of time, my destination is to buy my own home .. someday i am hoping i would be able to do that. i would like to have my own home, decorate it the way i want to, live in it the way i want to, and die in it the way i have to.

do i still feel sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, etc, etc ? of course i do, but they dont dislocate me as much. i am able to have a functional, civil relationship with others and i feel good about it. i dont think anyone wants my raw side and i dont think i am ready for the same of others.