reconfigurring ........

to begin with i wonder whether i have anything to write? may be, may be not. Hmmmm, there is an internal feeling that i am ignoring and trying hard to remain untouched by it.

so, who have I been in the past three to four days? partly me that i recognise, partly me that i wish to reconfigure. for example in conversations with people, i can hear my repartees or responses or opinions inside my head but i am not expressing them. it is a kind of experimentation but also is kind of fun. Fun is being in control and not being this blabbermouth, putting your dirty foot in your mouth, being the loud, obnoxious, hurting creature who others rather avoid.

it makes me a little distant, little cold but i think it is worth it. why would i want to express my opinion so freely, or blurt out what am i thinking or feeling to others just like that? i don't think most people even want to hear what you think or feel unless it concerns them : i.e. they are affected by what you say or you are saying something about someone else in who they are interested.

i think i kept this blog open to the world, which i will still do, but i also had emails going to thousand and one odd people and i am going to reduce that number to may one or two. i really believe people don't care. like i think i don't care about how most other people think or feel.

the second reason i am reconfiguring the interpersonal interface is because i believe that i invite a lot of abuse and bad behaviour towards me by being me. i attract some of that like magnet. and when they rain on me, i act courageous and receive them all like a samurai. Samurai, my foot, i am just so used to being treated like shit that i believe i can handle all of them. but no more, i will not invite shit to rain on me any more.

that would effectively mean i would be polite, politically correct (most of the time), friendly,nice, non controversial and distant. at least for the time being i have to be just that, otherwise, i am really letting myself be beat up for no apparent reason.

later once i find my foot firmly planted in my own soil, internally, that i would then let go of some of these boundaries.

how am i feeling about doing this? not very nice but not very bad either. i am slowly getting used to being this .... only sometimes i am letting go. i am not feeling reactive, which is a very good thing. i am feeling distant and constantly reminding myself that no one else holds the key to my sense of well being, except me. no love, no friendship, no intimacy can bring to me what i cant bring to myself. and that is that.

on the other hand, i know people wish to reach out to me and they want me to reach out to them. it is just that i am not sure i want to reach out to them in my present avatar .... like i said in my facebook status message, most people may say it but in reality most people don't like the raw, the intense, the despaired, the depressed, the opinionated, the ugly, the crass, the nakedness. they like it with a filter of decency, of politeness, of civility so that they feel protected. In their place i think i would also do the same.

i also believe that there is no such thing called "deep love" or even if it is there, i have never experienced it. what i have experienced both within myself and from others are affection, attraction, fondness, caring with a proviso. i.e. provided it works for them.

i guess what i seek is absolute selfless love, and no one can provide it to me nor can i give it to anyone. it sounds silly and final and stupid but so be it.

i have to constantly remind myself in my interface with the world that the other person has a world of his/her own and is with me only partially and that is what we all get from each other and then it does not hurt that much. the longing for a full and absolute union remains but by now my heart has accepted that it is a grand fantasy.