the man just called. and he has been calling some 10 to 12 times a day .... the whole purpose of the call today was to tell me that he is a biggie shot in society and that therefore he should not be called names by me .... I did not know whether i should laugh or to get angry.

in fact i should not even call him a man ...in order to be a man, a person has to be a 'man' .... you know the kind who has self respect and sense of dignity ...just like another 'woman' will have ... and it is less to do with gender identity ... it is more to do with dignity and self respect.

anyway, so here i was holding on the cellphone almost 6 inches away from my face, on a loudspeaker mode, when he kept on telling me how all of this divorce stuff is useless and how i should not do it.

that how regretful he was for abusing me, and for calling me whore and other names in front of our daughter who is 21 years old, and calling up all my business associates and slandering my name to them, and telling me how i have been whoring ever since i was 13 years old. all of these are being "regretted" because he was unwell and now that he is under medication, he is sorry. this is notwithstanding the fact that just yesterday (in his so called stable stage) he abused me and threatened me. "regretted" indeed .... that too from a 'socially respectable person" ... i am so MAD! so mad because i think this creature thinks i am still gullible and i know that i am gullible as somewhere deep inside me i still have expectation that this creature will understand the need for self respect for both him and for me and will stop calling me

but why the **** am i taking his calls? what the **** is wrong with me?

i know. i have a strong need to punish. punish the creature, punish my father who abandoned me and worse still became a parasite onto me; punish my mother for being so irresponsible and dying on me when i was 3 years old; punish the bastard who raped me systematically from age 13 to 15; punish, punish and punish!!

and alas! i know how useless all of these are ... no punishment and no counter screaming/shouting/fights leave me in peace. when you grow up without having a mother, a absentee father and no siblings, you kind of become a little cold to yourself. you try to be all of that to yourself and end up being none of that ... just you. that is who i am partly. but then ...yipppeee...

there is so much to be thankful of:

• so many wonderful friends
• my beautiful, beautiful daughter ... she has grown up to be such an adorable, sensible, intelligent, accomplished and a beautiful individual in her own right.
• special people in life who cares for me and love me unconditionally .. (well almost - complete unconditional love is a big myth)
• for being able to choose my areas of interest and work and enjoying every moment of both.
  
• for being me - a bundle of contradiction, full of energy, assertive, loving, compassionate, highly opinionated and confused.

so much to be grateful for. thank you!

the days have been hard! there is not a single day and a single moment when i do not think about the divorce case and whether whatever i am doing is the right thing or the wrong thing. on one hand i have known this person for the last thirty years - i have literally grown from a teenager to a middle aged woman in this relationship. and on the other hand, how impossible the situation is for me to stay in this marriage.

I know it is hard for anyone to go through divorce when it has not been initiated from his/her end. I also know how scary and how traumatic it is for anyone who goes through this; ask me about it. But, every day when i ask myself whether this was necessary, there are counter questions that come back to me and they are "how would you then like to live your life? in fear? in disgust? in anger? what kind of remainder of marriage would that be where you would be scared and lothsome of the other person? living in fear of your safety, your child's safety; and above all, what about your dignity? will you be able to live with dignity in that relationship? will you be dignifying the other relationship"

the answer to all those are negative. i will not be able to live with my dignity, nor will i be dignifying the other person. the relationship has reached a stage(not just now, but about ten to fifteen years ago) where there is nothing left but fear, repulsion, loathing and mistrust, on both sides. the only way i had been living in that relationship was to blackmail myself by saying that "no one forced you into this relationship, you walked into it, it was your choice, and you have pay a price for your choice and your commitment."

Today, despite all else, i still want him to be happy and healthy. i would like his well being, i would not want him to be harmed. i would want him to be stable and i know very well that with me around and with these kinds of stress between us, he will find it very difficult to be stable and happy.

everyday i face blackmail and guilt - from him and more importantly from my inner self. the messages that come are "How could you .............?" and i cringe and back off and fall down ... and repeat these questions to myself. and the answers are just the same, every day.

i know that guilt and blackmailing are going to be part of this process, more than anyone else, i would do it to myself ... but then, i would also be there besides me to extend my hand and show the way to to her to get up the next day and live for one more day with her head held high!

when two people start feeling bitter towards each other, any interaction between them can be so tiring, so loathsome and so depleting. one or both start feeling mean, enraged, cruel and punishing towards each other. such emptiness...

If i were to look back in my childhood, bitterness has been a constant companion in my surrounding ... it has accompanied most people in their lives through their daily chores, mundane conversation, feelings towards each other.

little moments of relief came when i heard a tinkling of laughter from someone when she laughed at little nothing, when i walked on the afternoon-empty corridor imagining that i was actually walking on the sky as it reflected on the mirror held in my hand, when baritone voices came through the ancient radio kept in the corner of the big hall carrying the emotions of a lover unwittingly leaving his lady love, on the Friday night weekly radio play .... those moments were like magic windows that opened and closed if only for a few seconds .. those windows made life seemed good and even cheerful.

I can still see those summer afternoons when the strong tropical sun beating down on the 60's Calcutta roads, melting it ever so slightly, tired hand cart rickshaw pullers wiping their sweat with the little piece of cloth kept on their shoulder, a thirsty crow cawing away somewhere behind the neem leaves, housewives are just about to retire to their lazy afternoon naps, the radio is broadcasting "anurodher ashor" (songs as requested) and the mellifluous voices of Manna Dey, Sandya Mukhopadhyay, Lata Mangeshkar and others filling up the hot and humid air; those were my afternoons ... to sit there and watch the world carrying on doing its own thing. as i watched, the afternoon ever so slowly turned on its side, yawned, opened its eye and turned into evening, who more often than not, looked like a pretty slim teenager who had just learnt to wear her saree. the sky will be full of slightly pinkish clouds, the breeze from the river will start flirting with everyone on the road, the flower vendor will choke our nostrils with heavy scented jasmines ... the kulfi malai (Indian version of homemade ice creme) vendor will stop exactly on the spot where he knows greedy eyes await his return every evening.

then came the night ... i did not like nights for a very long time ... it meant darkness, it meant waiting for dad to return home late, it meant encounter with millions and zillions of cockroaches in the toilet, it meant 'no light' ... i hated 'no light'. silence was not someone i welcomed ... it only meant waiting for the morning to arrive.

it also reminded me of all the bitterness that i saw around myself the whole day. bitterness came back to remind me that it was there and will not go away in a hurry.

the beginning .......

It has never been easy for me to turn around and leave ... just like that ...just leave ... never been able to do that... always had the last minute pull to stay, to restore, to comfort, the maddeningly foolish belief that 'everything will ultimately work out right' ... that i was not looking at it properly, that if only i could do things differently, things would be OK.

well, i am not calling myself foolish ... that would be even more foolish :-) but the realisation is that underneath all those thoughts and feelings, did lay one thing, that is my belief that i could do anything under the sun and that (this is even more hilarious) i was strong. and who does not know that strong people stay strong, no matter what.

so, i went through life being strong. when i was a child and was being beaten up for little nothings by my aunt and my cousin and her husband, and being humiliated by any and everybody under the sun, i told myself (or so i believed!) that i was "too strong" to be touched by any of these people.

i also think i was so blase about my body - did it get hurt? did not matter. did anybody comment upon it unkindly? did not matter. did anyone touch it with indignity? did not matter. i mean how much more blase could one be?

the ambiance in the households i grew up were such madhouse. i, among many other such, parent less or one parent kid would just be around .... to be called for food on time, and then let loose ... in the house, somewhere. the adults will be busy playing cards and winning or losing money ... from ten in the morning to eight in the evening.

such freedom within so much captivity .... both experienced together ... days got over before one could blink .... people would come and go ... people would stay and leave the next day ... the houses looked more like railway station than anything else. nothing belonged to any one, more so, no one belonged to anyone.