Sunday, March 04, 2007

the beginning .......

It has never been easy for me to turn around and leave ... just like that ...just leave ... never been able to do that... always had the last minute pull to stay, to restore, to comfort, the maddeningly foolish belief that 'everything will ultimately work out right' ... that i was not looking at it properly, that if only i could do things differently, things would be OK.

well, i am not calling myself foolish ... that would be even more foolish :-) but the realisation is that underneath all those thoughts and feelings, did lay one thing, that is my belief that i could do anything under the sun and that (this is even more hilarious) i was strong. and who does not know that strong people stay strong, no matter what.

so, i went through life being strong. when i was a child and was being beaten up for little nothings by my aunt and my cousin and her husband, and being humiliated by any and everybody under the sun, i told myself (or so i believed!) that i was "too strong" to be touched by any of these people.

i also think i was so blase about my body - did it get hurt? did not matter. did anybody comment upon it unkindly? did not matter. did anyone touch it with indignity? did not matter. i mean how much more blase could one be?

the ambiance in the households i grew up were such madhouse. i, among many other such, parent less or one parent kid would just be around .... to be called for food on time, and then let loose ... in the house, somewhere. the adults will be busy playing cards and winning or losing money ... from ten in the morning to eight in the evening.

such freedom within so much captivity .... both experienced together ... days got over before one could blink .... people would come and go ... people would stay and leave the next day ... the houses looked more like railway station than anything else. nothing belonged to any one, more so, no one belonged to anyone.

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