Wednesday, January 16, 2008

making peace with my past ....

I read a book long time ago with this title .... understood intellectually and made little sense emotionally.

i think in order for anything to make sense to you "emotionally", you have to be at that space in your life when you are ready to make that transition, or at least ready to face the "?"

if i were to look at myself today, what am i ready to face? i think "delusion" will be one big word out there. I am not talking about the western psycho-pathological connotation of the word "delusion" but more from the point of view of experiencing reality as it really is, rather what i wish it to be, mostly unknowingly.

today, i am pondering over many things ... to begin with:

- things that i expected to last for ever, ... like emotional connect and romantic love.
i expected this love to envelope me all my life exactly the way it started. but love changes because we change. but when the moment came for me to face that change? i burst out internally, and said to myself:

- this person does not wish to remain emotionally connected with me because there is something wrong in the way he/she thinks/feels.

- this person does not wish to receive what i have to offer (never looking actually what am i offering and how the nature of the offering has changed)

- i have failed in keeping this emotional connect alive ..... it is my fault or the other person's fault that it is not working the way "it was supposed to"

sounds like nursery baby thoughts? it does to me too, but only now.

only when am i able to look at the delusion that i have been holding for such a long time that
LOVE LASTS FOR A LIFE TIME (with the proviso that it can have fights, disconnects, separations, etc but ultimately it comes back to where it was)

and this is the delusion. nothing is static.

and what is behind this? aha!

behind this is my fear of "being abandoned" (just like my mother did, by dying on me when i was 3 years old, and then my next caregiver moved away when i was 5, and many others)

so by creating this fantastic delusion, i have been hoping to avoid facing the pain of "being abandoned" ....

and actually making sure that it happens again and again by being a clinging, insecure person and by relating to just those who are really really scared of being bound.

what a fantastic game!

i am actually feeling good about discovering this today about myself. i know this is not rocket science, many will know this in any case. i have known this intellectually for a long long time.

but today for the first time, it sat peacefully in my heart and i was able to talk to my heart about how "I have changed" and not about the other person.

that makes me feel good. :-)

Saturday, January 12, 2008

yippe, i have been told to "walk"

just went to the orthopedics, he welcomed me with his warm doctorly smile ... sent me for an x-ray. i kept my fingers and slightly swollen toes crossed for hopeful results. the machined creaked under its ancient weight ... whirred for a while and hopefully captured the image of my broken and may be mending bone! the technician looked happy with the result. the doctor looked even happier with it. he said, "oh, ok now you can start walking, right here, right now" as he looked at the x-ray plate as though he was savouring a moment of victory. "your leg is healing very well"

I looked on doubtfully .... healing? what healing? and if so, what do i do with this dastardly plaster cast? He looked at me with pity in his eyes : "I am afraid, that will stay for 3 more weeks" Ashok gasped, "3 more months"? "No, no, 3 weeks; 3 months will stiffen the ankle". He smiled.

i continued to look at him and at my leg suspiciously ... but, but how can i walk with this d.... p...?

the doctor again looked at me with pity: "oh, just start walking, you will get used to it. don't worry. everything will be alright".

ok, so much so. I decided to be cheerful about it albeit with grave doubt in my mind. on the way home, i told ashok we must celebrate this with 'samosas' and 'rasogollas' (salty deep fried dumplings with yum potato and peas filling and sweet cottage cheese balls). he happily agreed but alas, the treacherous K C Das did not have samosas .... i felt like crying but braved it. Ashok then suggested we try the "Randevouz" for its tasty patties but even that has closed down. sob sob ...

anyway, came home, have now started walking as in started trying to walk. and feeling really scared whether i will break the bone again by just trying to walk.

watched a intense movie in the comp ... felt very scared and terrified while watching it but the ending was rather abrupt. great acting though.

tomorrow, we have a lunch invitation to attend. i am looking forward to it. at least i can "walk" to it, he he!

Friday, January 11, 2008

hope returns just when you give up on it

here i have been feeling very low and depressed ... for no particular reason really ... just the mornings are so dreary and tiring ... and i never was like that. my mornings were almost always nice and cheerful.

then i reminded myself that every day waking up means i have to depend upon others for small movements and worse still, i can not do half the things i used to do.

asked A what makes him so happy ... he said he was the "happy sort" ... hmm .. then he thought some more and said what makes him happy is that he feels free to be able to do what he feels like, does not have any worry or load on him .....

i asked myself how come i do not feel the same way ... what makes me feel so weighed down? Have I lost the ability to feel good or hopeful about life itself?

then i remembered a conversation with K yesterday and he was talking about his childhood and his mother and how his mom wanted to give birth to him even when his father was unsure and they were not even married then! and then he talked about the place he grew up in, his home and his relatives and his growing up .... and then i thought about him now and his plans ...

what then occurred to me is that may be most of us take the present moment as the absolute certainty ... like "this is the way life is " and miss the ever changing moments of life as it is changing continuously.

But again, i can think and understand the same intellectually very well but can not feel the ever changingness of life ... i look at it post fact after it has happened and staring me in the eye

right now as i am sitting in front of my desk top and writing this, all the windows in the room are open and sunlight is streaming in albeit with lots of noise and pollution ... but also with some nice breeze and feeling of hope ...

it is not a hope about me or anything, just that life is alive and it is continuous and is ever changing ... and i hope someday i will be able to just wake up and feel good about being born as a human being and being alive!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

the new year

i am writing this blog after a long time .... as i was going through what i had written earlier, it also put me in touch with the fact that how easily i give up most things that i start.

but i am feeling good that i have started again. the day is so sunny outside ... nice january afternoon sunshine, the leaves of the trees outside my windows are nodding in unision .. am listening to R D Burman on the web .. life is good at this moment.

Tatas have launched their Rs. 1 lac or under $ 2500 car today in India; it is historical .. feeling proud that it is the Tatas and it is happening in India. the car does look smart and has a nice name .. Tata Nano.

Reading discussions with Dalai Lama .... to be able to watch my own feelings, especially the destructive ones are sometimes so amazing.

my broken leg is not complaining much .. i am sending down some good feelings towards it but most times i am afraid of it, lest it becomes worse. may be it needs more love