Friday, January 11, 2008

hope returns just when you give up on it

here i have been feeling very low and depressed ... for no particular reason really ... just the mornings are so dreary and tiring ... and i never was like that. my mornings were almost always nice and cheerful.

then i reminded myself that every day waking up means i have to depend upon others for small movements and worse still, i can not do half the things i used to do.

asked A what makes him so happy ... he said he was the "happy sort" ... hmm .. then he thought some more and said what makes him happy is that he feels free to be able to do what he feels like, does not have any worry or load on him .....

i asked myself how come i do not feel the same way ... what makes me feel so weighed down? Have I lost the ability to feel good or hopeful about life itself?

then i remembered a conversation with K yesterday and he was talking about his childhood and his mother and how his mom wanted to give birth to him even when his father was unsure and they were not even married then! and then he talked about the place he grew up in, his home and his relatives and his growing up .... and then i thought about him now and his plans ...

what then occurred to me is that may be most of us take the present moment as the absolute certainty ... like "this is the way life is " and miss the ever changing moments of life as it is changing continuously.

But again, i can think and understand the same intellectually very well but can not feel the ever changingness of life ... i look at it post fact after it has happened and staring me in the eye

right now as i am sitting in front of my desk top and writing this, all the windows in the room are open and sunlight is streaming in albeit with lots of noise and pollution ... but also with some nice breeze and feeling of hope ...

it is not a hope about me or anything, just that life is alive and it is continuous and is ever changing ... and i hope someday i will be able to just wake up and feel good about being born as a human being and being alive!

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