i went out of the house, went to my work space, vowed to myself to be "absolutely and completely" self sufficient (as though there can exist a reality like that) but i think i gave it a good try! i finished lots of odd things that were just pending. i vowed to start driving again; i guess it was my way of putting myself in the driver's seat again!
then the strange things started happening - i started meeting various facets of my identity or shall i say, various facets of women's identities, all of them on the same day.
came the first encounter. some one who i did not know from before, came to meet me. the more i listened to her, i told myself, it is amazing that i had to meet her this morning when i am so full with the same issues at least on a transient mode; need to feel needed, feeling trapped, feeling intensely unhappy with self, yet, looking for way out, trying to make sense of things and not given up hope. talking to her made me question "what is it that women look for"? i could not come up with any answer. this was one facet of me/all women which is trapped in "being needed" mode and the only mode the being has known to express itself is to offer oneself like an infrastructure (non assertive, proper, obsessive, caring, efficient and competent) but keeping the righteous moralistic upper hand to whip the "wrong doers" who dare to refuse her offerings.
then came lunch with an old friend, who was in the city for a short while and was leaving soon after. After we caught up with each other, during the course of the conversation she started talking about not really knowing what would make her happy. again i thought how similar the line of thinking was and yet it was not the same ... perhaps we were barking up the wrong tree. perhaps the real question to ask was whether we were intrinsically happy or unhappy? it was as though all of us have this invisible emotional switch that has either a off or a on button for having a positive self regard and a basic sense of contentment for who we are, and not desperately looking for affirmation of it outside of ourselves, or it is most times switched off for some of us. It is that facet of me/all women (may be for men as well) which screams "i wish things were different, i was different, others were different, only then, oh, only then, would i feel at peace with myself and with the world"
anyway, the lunch session had to close abruptly as she had to catch her flight and i came back home with my lunch packed and had a TV lunch.
After that as i was sinking into the peaceful slumber, the cell phone rang and at the opposite end, was the voice of some one who was completely drunk, feeling rather hopeless, self deprecating and condemning and was in need of help. i went over to her place, spent some time with her, took care of her a little bit so that she could physically become better. my encounter with this women put me in touch with this facet of me/all women (may be men too) which has the intense need to punish the self by bringing on shame, guilt and anger. This facet keeps whispering in our ears how worthless and unlovable we are, makes us feel desperate and lonely and then as last resort, we scream for attention and simultaneously push people away by refusing to be helped, attended to and to be cared for. This gives us the golden opportunity to reinforce the belief that we are completely unworthy while the real anger is with the world that it is vicious and uncaring and unloving and hence we need to constantly grab its attention, and thus completing the loop of convincing ourselves that the act of grabbing attention was shameful, feel guilty, to only repeat the act again and again.
my last encounter was with a very dear friend of mine, with who i was supposed to have dinner and spend the night over with. as we sat and chatted, i was seeing the other in me and simultaneously the stark dissimilarities. She was this facet of me/all women which is inherently melancholic, has a short handle on reactivity and anxiety, dynamic, assertive, caring, loving, wise, balanced, matured, open and accepting of others in more ways than one.This is the facet which is very rich and very beautiful and attractive and yet is utterly unconvinced and/or critical of its inherent richness and beauty but is totally convinced about its competence and functionality. This makes it into a great companion and a work horse but seldom gives it space to enjoy its own beauty in all its aliveness, be it scary, stormy, dark or welcoming, full of life and vivacious.
i went to bed with this thought that while the day started with a fight which made me feel quite empty, hopeless and futile, at the end of the day, with all those encounters of various identities i felt more real as though i had to meet each and every one of them today to feel the richness of life and what it has to offer and how every encounter is only a beginning of new direction and not an end in itself.
Thank you life!